Last words...

When it comes to my grandma I sometimes feel like people think "she was old, she had a long life, get over it" and to me I just know they think that because they didn't know her. If they knew her they would know that she was wonderful, they would know her life WAS cut short because of that stupid no good cancer.

It was a Saturday we had made a quick trip up because my mom had called that morning saying she wasn't sure grandma was going to last much longer. We were told a year...it had been only a few months.
We dropped everything and rushed up.
We met at my Uncle Mike and Aunt Lori's house and grandma was sitting on a chair and she looked so gray.
Whenever she would see me she would always give this excited "HEY!" and a big hug. Her head would land right at my armpit.

But she didn't get up this time.
She gave a little smile and gave the kids a hug from her chair.
She was able to meet the twins and I am so grateful that she was able to spend some time with them.
I have a voicemail on my phone saved from her it's in January and you could tell she just didn't feel good. She said "Erin it's grandma I am just sitting her thinking of you hoping that those babies come out soon. Hang in there sweetie. I love you and I am thinking about you. Call me."

Even when she was sick she still thought about everyone else.

I had been in contact with my mom every day getting the details of how grandma was doing.

Our conversations were cut short because she was so busy with my grandma making sure she had her meds, got to chemo....it was a lot of work. Her and two of my uncles took care of her every day for the last year of her life. I knew she wasn't doing well but to see it for myself was hard. I had not been able to spend much time with her that last year due to bedrest with the twins.

(she was so insistant that the babies be wrapped up in blankets. She loved holding them...poor thing just didn't feel well)

The next day we were all together again at my grandmas. She was sitting on the couch just observing everyone do their thing. I went over and rested my head on her shoulder and she held my hands in hers.

Those hands.

I loved those hands. Those hands had raised 5 children, loved on all her grandchildren and great grandchildren, thrown baseballs, done countless crossword puzzles, made jams and always were able to provide comfort. As we sat there I just stared at her hands thinking about how much I was going to miss her.

I said "I love you grandma."

She said "I love you too sweetie." then she looked over at Jed bouncing the twins and says "Are you going to have anymore children?"

"I don't know do you think I should?"

"No"

I laughed

Then she said "just take a break for awhile"

That was our last real moment spent together. Later that night she was in a lot of pain and my mom and uncle were tending to her while I read her the rosary(messing it up tremendously). But I remember just looking at her hands go around her beads reciting her prayers and at the moment I just prayed that it wouldn't be long. Those hands belonged to a woman who never sat still, who was always looking after someone, who would always listen without judgment and love you no matter what. Those hands deserved to be interlocked with my grandpas pain free in a better place. And as hard as it was to say good bye it was harder to see her in pain. I said good bye that night for the last time. I thought I would be in hysterics on my way back to my dads thinking that that was the last time I would ever see her, but I felt peace.

It was time.

She passed away shortly after that.

I went with my mom to get my grandma ready for her viewing. Her face was so pale, grey and showed no signs of life. I felt a little sick. Then I looked down at her hands that were so perfectly placed holding her rosary and I felt like I was home.

Those were her hands.

At the rosary and viewing that night one of my cousins said he couldn't go look.

He didn't want to see her looking dead.

I told him to just look at her hands....